Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
