I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
