For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
