I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
