She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
