My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
