if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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