Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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