he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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