I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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