My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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