the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
