Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
