I am in a vortex of obligation.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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