Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Drunk is not a location!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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