you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
