New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't deserve a penis
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
