You don't have asthma, your pregnant
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
