how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
