You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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