Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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