rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
