I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
