Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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