come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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