that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
