I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Mom said you looked used
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
