Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
