i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
being pregnant is like rehab
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
