Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
