nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
