Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
