Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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