I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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