Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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