Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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