I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
