a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
