was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
