Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
