I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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