He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
