his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
