I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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