No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
