I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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