It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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