if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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