I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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