totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
