I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
