I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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