I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
