I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
