my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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