I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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