I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
