I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
